An Interview With Author Stephanie Harrison

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If you feel like happiness is hard to come by these days, you’re not alone — especially if you live in the US. We’ve officially fallen out of the top 20 list of happiest countries, according to the 2024 World Happiness Report, the first time that’s happened since the report was first published in 2012. And it’s young people who drove the trend; if we only look at people under 30, the US tumbles all the way down to No. 62. Yikes. And of course, as parents, it’s especially hard to see our teens and tweens suffering as the latest data shows America’s youth mental health crisis getting worse and and worse.

Mental health coping strategies are at the heart of fixing these issues, from therapy to medications to exercise and journaling. But for Stephanie Harrison, it goes even deeper, to the way we define happiness itself. Harrison, an expert in the science of happiness and the creator of The New Happy, teaches that what we think of as happiness actually isn’t — and our relentless pursuit of the wrong things has made us miserable.

In New Happy: Getting Happiness in a World That’s Got It Wrong, Harrison wants to spread that message, from showing what makes the “Old Happy” so out of date to sharing the surprisingly simple road to New Happy, which revolves around embracing our truest selves and using our gifts to help others. SheKnows spoke to Harrison about the New Happy philosophy, what your kids can learn from it, and how it might just change your family’s lives.

SheKnows: In the book, you talk about “New Happy” as a distinct concept from “Old Happy.” What’s the difference and why is it better, in your view, to pursue New Happy instead?

Stephanie Harrison: Old Happy is my term for society’s definition of happiness. From an early age, we are taught that we need to be perfect, we need to achieve, and we need to do everything alone. These messages are the result of our culture driven by individualism, capitalism, and domination. Unfortunately, these things do not make us happy — in reality, they make us miserable! We need to untangle these ideas of happiness and set our sights on a new way of being, one that will actually bring us the joy that we are looking for. New Happy is quite simple: if you want to be happy, discover who you are and use it to help other people. It’s the integration of the self and others that offers the opportunity for the greatest joy, purpose and fulfillment. 

SK: You write that we begin defining happiness at a very young age. As parents, what are some things we can do to start teaching our children New Happy, and when (like what age for kids) should we start doing that?

SH: This is such an important question. Parents can have a huge impact on the way that their children define happiness, setting them up for better lives in the future. You can start at any age, and it’s never too late! One of the loveliest findings that I came across in my research is that children as young as 18 months show a desire to help others when they are struggling. This desire to be loving and contribute is deep within each and every one of us.

As a parent, it’s incredibly important to find opportunities for your child to express this inner goodness and share it with others. Create the opportunity for them to help others. Reflect to them how it feels to you when you are kind, and explain how showing up for others ultimately benefits you. Model what it looks like to treat yourself with kindness, such as being gentle with yourself when you’re struggling or asking for support when you need it. This will instill helping as a core value. 

SK: How can New Happy help our kids be happier, healthier, and more resilient?

SH: When kids understand that they’re enough as they are, that they don’t have to achieve certain milestones or behave in specific ways to be worthy of love, and that they have unique gifts that they can use to help others, they become happier, healthier and more resilient. 

SK: What are the biggest parenting mistakes that push kids towards pursuing Old Happy?

SH: Parents just want their children to be happy. In our Old Happy world, sometimes we tend to interpret happy as safe, which can be achieved by doing things like getting the most acclaimed or prestigious jobs and conforming to a specific norm. We put pressure on our kids to do these things out of love. But if you want your kids to be happy, it’s far more effective to teach them how to accept themselves as they are, how to set goals that are personally meaningful for them (and recover from the inevitable setbacks that they will face), and how to ask for help and give it to others when they need it. These are the daily choices that will support true well-being. 

SK: Many young people struggle with perfectionism, and you write that parents can pass it on to kids. How does perfectionism get in the way of New Happy and how can parents avoid instilling it in their kids, especially if they themselves struggle with it?

SH: Perfectionism is a devastating consequence of Old Happy culture. We are taught, from an early age, that in order to be acceptable, we need to be as perfect — or as close to it — as possible. Perfection is what secures love, support, encouragement, and care.

To avoid this, one of the most important practices that you can do as a parent is to let your children know that your love is not conditional. Research has looked at what is known as ‘parental conditional regard,’ where a parent withholds love and affection from a child when they are struggling or not meeting their expectations, using it as an attempt to motivate them. This backfires — spectacularly. It leads to shame, struggles with self-worth, and an obsession with achievement to overcome these perceived failures. Instead, offer your children the same level of love and care, no matter what they do. 

SK: How is parental burnout, something so many parents struggle with, connected to Old Happy? How can New Happy potentially help?

SH: Parental burnout is a consequence of Old Happy’s individualistic culture, which teaches us that we have to do everything by ourselves, that we can never ask for help, and we are separate from other people. In this culture, asking for help is seen as somehow taking away from everything that you do, diminishing it in some way or making it inconsequential. But each and every one of us needs help to parent in the ways that we want to.

What I propose is that we start to create a more interdependent culture, one in which we are more comfortable leaning on others and finding ways to offer our unique gifts to others. This is what will create the conditions for meaningful well-being, for both parents and children. 

SK: Anything else you think parents should take away from your book and the concept of New Happy?

SH: It’s incredibly challenging to be a parent, so please don’t forget to practice compassion for yourself at every step of the way. You are always learning new skills and growing alongside your child or your children, and that growth can often be difficult and uncomfortable. The more that you meet those moments with kindness, the easier that change becomes — and the more your children will instinctively learn to do the same for themselves, too.

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