6 Tips for a Successful Threesome

The allure of a ménage a trois just can’t be ignored. If you watched the movie Challengers, or even caught that scene with Zendaya and her boys, then you know what we mean. It’s exciting, it’s different, it’s hot … and now maybe you’re even thinking about having your first threesome. No big deal.

Your desire for some three-way sex is perfectly normal. According to Elize Kapaeva, a certified sexologist at Pure Dating App, there are a few reasons you might be considering a first-time threesome. “First of all, if you are open to experiments, this is one of the options to get a new and unique experience in sex,” she says. “Secondly, it could be your long-standing kink that you’ve been putting off or hiding from others for a long time, and now it’s time to make your dream come true. Finally, the threesome can be considered as a challenge to your stamina among other things.”

OK, so where do you start?

“If it’s your first threesome, start by recognizing that your fantasy of it might turn out quite different from reality,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Scientific Advisor at Lovehoney. “Navigating group sex dynamics is very different from a two-person situation, so keep that in mind. You might need to try it a couple of times before you start to feel very comfortable and get the hang of it.”

Lehmiller adds that it’s also important to get clarity with yourself on why you want to have a threesome and what you hope to get out of the experience, and “then communicate and establish clear boundaries with everyone involved.”

Below, we asked the experts for their best threesome tips to help you navigate any of the weirdness that might come up (no pun intended!).

1. Initiate the threesome conversation gently with your partner.

Bringing up the topic of having your first threesome isn’t always easy, which is why Lehmiller suggests a good starting point is to step back and look at broader sexual communication patterns in the relationship. “Have you ever even shared sexual fantasies before? For monogamous couples that want to open up and play together, it’s important to start with solid sexual communication,” he says. “Start by sharing and acting on some fantasies that only involve you and your partner and use that as an opportunity to build trust, communication, and intimacy.”

When you eventually bring up the idea of a threesome, Lehmiller suggests taking care in how you frame it. “It’s easy for fantasies like this to evoke feelings of insecurity or jealousy. Start from a place of validation and discuss what’s in it for you and your partner. Also, don’t pressure your partner into it! Start with a general conversation about the idea of a threesome. What do each of you like about the idea? What concerns do you have? Talk through everything first and, if you’re on the same page, then you can talk about how you might actually go about making this fantasy a reality.”

2. The more talking beforehand, the better

Lehmiller would add: “It might be worth acknowledging that each participant in the threesome may have very different ideas or expectations about how the scenario will go. In my research on sexual fantasies, I find that there’s a lot of variability in terms of what a threesome might look like, including the specific sexual activities people engage in and who’s doing what with who. It’s important to not just communicate about your concerns here, but also your desires and what you find to be pleasurable.”

Adds Kapaeva: “There’s nothing more important than conversation and agreements. Before getting involved into a threesome, talk to your partner about what exactly you want to have and in what variations, what will excite you and what, on the contrary, will reduce your excitement.” She also recommends looking into the SES (sexual excitation system) and SIS (sexual inhibition system) techniques coined by Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are and Come Together. (Quick plug to read up on the topic with these other great books on sex!)

3. Agree on your boundaries and abide by them

“It’s important to mention that if you’re having a threesome with a romantic partner, you need to establish boundaries with your partner long before you ever hop into bed with another person,” Lehmiller says. “What are your relational boundaries and ground rules? Are any activities off limits?” Don’t forget to discuss what comes after the threesome too. Plan some time to chat — just the two of you — about how the threesome went and what you liked and didn’t like.

Adds Kapaeva: “The boundaries of what is allowed are always set by you, based on what you want to definitely try during the threesome, what you would discuss but can’t yet say affirmatively ‘yes’ [to], and what you won’t try under any circumstances. The most important thing is to discuss everything before the new sexual experience.”

4. Embrace the awkward moments

Lehmiller points out that it’s one thing for there to be some awkward moments, but it’s quite another if you find things moving past your comfort zone. “It can be a good idea to establish a safe word so that there’s an off-ramp in case it starts to venture into uncomfortable territory,” he suggests. “Saying ‘no’ can be hard enough with just one partner, and it can become even harder with multiple partners, which is where safe words can come in handy.”

Because it’s impossible to anticipate every nuance in sex, Kapaeva says it’s important to give yourself space for something awkward in advance and communicate it if needed and also be mindful about your partners. “It’s okay that something might not go according to plan, but it’s important to feel comfortable sharing it with those with whom you agreed to go on this experience together,” she says.

To avoid further awkwardness, Kapaeva advises looking for a stranger as a third to your sex, instead of someone you know. Try looking on a dating app or in-person at places of interest. “The most important thing is to discuss before with your partner who and what you want to realize and clearly stick to this plan,” she says.

5. Try these first-time threesome positions

When it comes to threesome sex positions, Kapaeva suggests the following:

Double cowgirl: The penetrating partner lies on their back (it is better to put a pillow under their head). One of the receiving partners assumes the cowgirl position, and the second one sits on the partner’s face.

Double penetration: One receiving partner lies on the other in a missionary position. The penetrating partner kneels and penetrates each partner in turn.

Double doggy-style: The receiving partners kneel one after the other and lean on their hands. The penetrating partner enters one of them from behind, while that receiving partner uses their mouth to stimulate the other partner.

69+1: The receiving partners are in a 69 position while the penetrating partner enters one of them from behind.Still wondering exactly how you know what to do? If it makes you feel any better, Kapaeva says there is no one way to have a threesome. “It is impossible to predict all the nuances, so it will be best to rely on your feelings and sensations: how you are, how you want, and how you will definitely not do,” she explains. “Before this, it is desirable not only to talk to your partner, but also to talk to the third partner.”

6. Enjoy the moment

One major piece of advice for first-time threesomes: Go slow and enjoy the process rather than fixating on the results. “Often couples want to make the other person come or have multiple orgasms, turning sex into something mechanical,” Kapaeva says. “Instead, focus on the sensual aspects. Also, aftercare is an essential part to keep everyone feeling safe with each other and leave a pleasant aftertaste on this sexual and emotional experience.”

So, to sum it up: talk, set your boundaries, and lean into the awkwardness and your curiosity. While your first threesome might not live up to every Challengers-fueled expectation, you can smooth over some of the awkwardness — and make sure everyone feels safe and seen — by communicating and caring for each other every step of the way.

Before you go, make sure to read up on our favorite sex positions ever (all 69 of ’em):